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ME 'n Dick - A short Story...
by LOCAL ARTiSTE AND SUPER HERO - JOHNNY DEE

We went to the seaside with my brother Dick. He had an enormous head, which was due to an accident that he had whilst still in the womb...

He never complained or seemed to be vaguely distressed at such an unsightly malformation which beset his shoulders.
We went skipping along the dark sewage canals underneath the derelict pier, the stench made Dick nearly vomit! But we whiled away the hours as Mum and Dad blew all the family allowance on drink, cigarettes and bingo!

I had nearly three pounds in my big sisters black purse, lovely shinny five pence pieces, as well as two's and a few one's, but my pride and joy was the one pound coin that Uncle Colin had given to me, just before he was sent down for molesting a goat, if it hadn't have been in a busy high street I'm sure he would still be roaming free, unlike the poor goat!

I'd seen kites, buckets, spades, ball's, bat's, fish and chips, ice-creams and lots of sweeties, but I didn't want to waste my pound coin.


Dick waved at me as he stood up to his waste in fresh sewage, 'it's time we headed back to the tent, it's nearly half past four, Mum and Dad might have won some of our money back'.

I clasped my black purse shut, and agreed to go, Dick and I happily strolled past the fair ground, our sandals and shorts covered in disgusting brown human waste. The coconut shy man hurled abuse at us, but we didn't have a care in the world, no school for six weeks, and we were going back for some yummy tea, if Mum had bother to make us any that is.


As we made our way on to Millys Caravan and tenting park the shop clock was just chiming five, for five o'clock. The smell of chips filled the salty sea air, well chips and excrement to be precise. 'We must go to the shower block and clean up', I said to Dick,

By now his huge head was slightly tilted to one side, he had to get back to take his medicine, a mixture of aspirin and Rennie which kept his deformed skull from over pressurising. If the weather got too hot Dicks head could explode!


The shower blocks were empty save for Mr Daxton, a long sighted furniture restorer from Hartlepool. He had also been coming to Milly's for more than twenty years, we treated him like an Uncle, and sometimes late at night he would slip into our tent and make strange noises in Mums cubicle.

'Hi Mr Daxton', Dick said, 'we've been having some fun with sewage, but we got covered in the stuff'. 'You're not joking ', said Mr Daxton as he brought up some of his breakfast in the sink.

Dick and I quickly danced in and out of the hot shower, we kept our pants on as Mr Daxton was looking menacing. 'We might see you tonight Mr Daxton', I called back to the elderly gentleman as he staggered from the shower block, Dick and I thought that he looked rather poorly, with dried vomit splattered down his clean white tennis shorts.


Our tent doors were already unzipped as we reached our final destination, we could see Dad flat on his back in the Kitchen area, Mum was puffing on a cigarette, 'Boys, you're old Mum has won! I've won Fifty quid on the big bingo jackpot game! But unfortunately your stupid moron of a Father spent forty five on drink!!'.

Our hearts sank, never before had we had the chance to share in such a fortune, we could have lived it up on Millys site, Chips, lemonade, ice-cream, and perhaps even a meat pie,

But now that was all gone, all because of Dad.


Dick stormed off to purchase some aspirin, the shop at the site entrance sold individual sachets, Mum gave him 12p and he returned after about ten minutes and took his medicine. He put his huge head into his small hands, steam gently bellowed from his ears, the pressure was dropping, the bingo win had excited Dicks brain vessels and without urgent attention the contents of his massive bonce could have been spayed all over the tent lining.

I fetched the special head rest that Dick had got from the Doctor at the hospital, it was shaped like a 'Y' and he simply stuck his chin in the 'V' section, this removed all danger from Dicks head falling off his shoulders.

There was no tea, Mum had said she would treat us to some chips, but now she simply could not afford such a luxury. 'You've got a fiver left', I said hopefully. 'That went on fags and penny slots', she replied.

I was so hungry that I gnawed at my clenched fist, it tasted fruity, I offered Dick a suck but he never said a word, his eyes were fixed on Dads drunken torso...

'Lets kill Dad, and burn him on the beach tonight!' Said Dick, he had a huge grin on his tremendously hideous face, and he had a manic look in his piggy eyes.

Suddenly the tent flaps were pushed open, a burly policeman stood in the doorway, his helmet knocked slightly from his head by the unnaturally low awning on our tent.


'Do you know a Mr Daxton?', we all looked at each other, Dick was by now dribbling saliva and flem down his chin, this was perfectly normal after his dose of medicine, and on a bad day it could be nearly three feet deep!

We all looked at each other, sensing that something was very wrong, Mum tried to wake Dad from his drunken stupor by tipping boiling water down his nostrils, he shrieked and jumped up startled.


The Officer again put his question, Mum blushed before telling him that we had in fact know Mr Daxton for some considerable length of time.

'What's wrong with Mr Daxton?' Inquired Dick. 'I'm afraid he is dead'. You could have measured the silence with a thermometer and it would have read 0.00 Fahrenheit.

'Did he have vomit on his tennis shorts?' I asked tentatively. 'We don't know son, you see we found his charred remains on the beach, he was surrounded by human bottom waste, if you know what I mean'.

Dick's dribble seemed to increase in density, it was now like an egg white mixed with pineapple juice, only not so fruity.


'Is the lad all right?', asked the Policeman, 'His head seems too big for his body'.

Mum interjected, 'he only has a malformation of the skull Officer, as long as he takes his medication he will be perfectly OK', I sat still, frozen on the lounger next to the fridge, Mum shut the fridge door and I warmed a little. How the hell did Mr Daxton die? Why was he on the beach? Where did the raw sewage come from? Would the police suspect me and Dick?

What would we have for tea?


'We saw Mr Daxton, didn't we Dick?, It was about five o'clock, he was hanging around the toilets, being sick in the wash basins, tell me Officer what time was he found on the beach?'


The large policeman removed his notebook from his back pocket, his truncheon dangled, shinning in the evening sun. 'He was discovered by member of the public at 5.40 PM'.

I glanced at my watch, the time was now 6.15, Mr Daxton had been murdered and burned in the space of forty minutes, I had been with Dick for the whole day, yet only minutes ago he had suggested burning Dad on the beach, what the hell was going on?'

'If you can give us any more information we have set up an enquiry tent behind the shop, I think I'd better start by taking all your names'.


The policeman scribbled down all the details he required and made his way out of our tent.

'Dick, why did you think of burning Dad tonight?', Dad was shocked to hear this, as he had been unconscious the first time it was mentioned. 'Dick you little monkey, why were you going to burn me?', 'because you spent all the family allowance on drink,that's why'.


Dicks head was getting bigger, red veins were sticking out over his forehead, Mum got a damp flannel from our wash bowl and quickly doused his throbbing skull, the meeting of skin and wet cloth produced a hiss, but at least Dicks head seemed to be stabilising.


Suddenly I remembered that Dick had gone to the shop alone to get his medicine, this would have taken him past Mr Daxton's deluxe caravan, I had to confront my large headed brother, and the effects could be disastrous.

'Dick, did you see anything on your way to the shop?', Dick broke down and sobbed, 'Yes, I saw a mans body burning on the beach, it was horrible, I ran over to help, I got some water from the shower cubicle, it still had the turds in from our trip to the sewers, I ran away, my head was getting heavy, I could hardly keep it up. I needed my drugs'.


Mum hugged Dick, as he cried. Suddenly The policeman pushed open our flaps and he stood breathless in the doorway, 'there's been a development, we've turned Mr Daxtons caravan inside out for clues, and as I was leaving, Inspector Blunkett noticed a suicide note on the table. The old man had been depressed, his eyesight was failing and he thought he might have to retire from the job he loved. He'd also left an envelope for you two boy's, Dick and Nigel Spooner, I don't know what it could be, but I would like you to open it now so that I can see what it is'.


The fat policeman passed the dirty brown envelope to Dick, he examined it as much as he could, for he still had his head in 'Y' shaped resting device. 'Here Nigel, you open it', Dick tossed the mysterious package to me. I looked at it for a minute, my hands were as sweaty as a boxer's , I ripped off the top of the letter. It was two fifty pounds notes!!! I'd never ever held some much money, we could have chips, lemonade, ice-cream, even a meat pie!


My whole body was trembling, the policeman smiled, 'a happy ending after all'.

He departed, leaving us in a jubilous mood, our ecstatic feeling soon evaporated as Mum snatched the money from my grasp. 'This will get me one more crack at the Bingo, it's Jackpot night tonight, and you can have some more whiskey Terry'. Dad eye's sparkled at the thought of more alcohol, and the two of them bundled out and made there way to Milly's clubhouse.


Me and Dick could not believe what had happened today, we felt so hungry, and we were on our own, there was no food in the tent save for an old piece of stale bread and some cheese.

Dick suddenly had an idea, 'lets go and see what Mr Daxton has left in his caravan, he might have some tasty treats, they'd only be wasted, he would want us to have them'.


We slipped out into the cool evening air, there was no-one around, they'd all gone to play bingo. We approached Mr Daxton's Deluxe caravan, the bedroom window was still open, I'd get through, but Dick would no doubt get his head stuck in the small aperture. I moved the front steps around to the back and slowly made my entrance through the tiny bedroom window. The place looked a mess, I went through the small hall way, which was dark and smelt and let my brother in via the front door. We were soon in the kitchen, the fridge held wonders to behold, chicken pies, pork pies, chocolate bars, crisps, and ice-cream in the freezer section.

We scoffed and scoffed till everything was gone, but we had a warm feeling in our tummies.

The shop clock chimed ten, for ten o'clock, it was time to get out!


I carefully opened the door and we quietly made our way out, we could hear the sea crashing on to the beach, and the distant sounds of the fair ground, we could also hear a more familiar sound, it was Mum and Dad they were laughing, singing, shouting, whooping and cheering.


Our pace quickened as we neared our tent, we saw the silhouette of Dad popping a champagne cork, and Mum throwing lots of paper in the air!


We burst in, 'Mum, Dad, what has happened?' Mum turned, 'I've scooped the jackpot, Ten thousand pounds!!'.

Dick messed himself, I could not take this in. 'You know what this means boy's?' Said Dad,

'I now have enough money to have you two adopted!'.


Dick's head immediately started to swell, Mum grabbed for the aspirin bottle but it was empty! Dick's condition was now critical, we had to get some tablets and quick.

Without saying a word I rushed out and headed towards Mr Daxton's caravan, I opened the front door, which we'd left from earlier. I reached for the light switch to illuminate the gloomy kitchen. I opened a draw, there was a packet of aspirin, I picked them up and ran.


As I got back to our tent I could see Dad holding Dick by the ankles and sticking his enormous head in the washing up bowl, I got the aspirins and mixed them with the Rennie,

Dick gulped the mixture down, once again we'd averted danger.


'I was only joking', said Dad, as he unbuttoned his flies in readiness for a trip to the toilet block. 'Fish, chips, and meat pies all round for everyone tonight', he added.


Dick messed himself, and we all laughed!

THE STORY OF SKEGNESS HOLIDAY
Johnny took his elderly parents to Butlins, Skegness, for a 'holiday from hell'.
Here are the gory details -

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